Gimmeoxygen's Blog

December 15, 2009

Big Dick, the Fixit Man

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ruby Dabling @ 8:02 pm
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Sunday, friends of mine attended a baptism where they were to be named godparents, and they had me watch their only child, Sarah.  This leads me to question their intelligence as I am not child-proofed, but I didn’t mind having one of the smaller minions from Hell spend the afternoon with me.

Sarah is a 5 yr. old cutie – all curly brown hair and dark, solemn eyes with dimples when she smiles.  She is bright, curious, engaging, and she scares the snot out of my dog, though – to be fair – BuKi lives in mortal terror of all children who like to pull on her silky ears and tail.  BuKi immediately went into hiding under my bed when she arrived.

Because of being diabetic, BuKi needs to be fed at precise intervals and given insulin.  To change her schedule results in her sugar being thrown off, and it can take days to reestablish good levels.

I was trying to coax the dog out from under the bed by tempting her with a vet-approved snack of broiled chicken while Sarah sat on the bed offering helpful suggestions of ways to get BuKi to come out.

“Swat her with the broom!”

“Sarah, that’s not nice.  We don’t hit animals with brooms.”

“Throw a shoe at her!” crowed the hellspawn.

I’m laying on the floor wagging a piece of chicken at a terrified dog.  “Broom…shoe…  Are your parents aware that they are raising one of the Children of the Corn?  Do you think I should set fire to the bed?”

“Yes!  Yes!  Burn up the bed!”  She was bouncing, and dust was filtering down on me, so I told her to stop it NOW, and be still.

“My mother says you’re cranky with her,”  said the moppet from the Inferno.

“She does?  Well, I suppose I am at times.  Everyone gets cranky.  It’s okay as long as you don’t say mean things to hurt someone’s feelings.”  (See?  I can be a role model!)  Sarahs’ mother can be very ditzy and she talks too much.  There have been times when I’ve snapped at her in self-defense.

“My daddy says you need Big Dick, the Fixit Man, ” the little snitch reveals further.

I put my head down and bit my hand to avoid laughing.  I thought, “If this was a  movie, this is the audiences’ cue to snicker at the precocious child” and I said, “Your daddy is a Neanderthal.”  Let little Miss Tattletale take that home and see how it translates.  “Your daddy is a knuckle-dragging no-neck.”

She laughs.  Adults are endlessly entertaining to children.  We’ve always been their favorite toys.

BuKi, finally, comes out, grabs the chicken, glares at Sarah, and dashes into the kitchen to scarf down her meal.  I have to prevent Sarah from following, so a tickle session is in order.

“Stop!  Stop it!  I have to pee!”  ALWAYS believe a child when they say this.  I don’t know much about parenting, but I’ve learned this much.

Fed, medicated, BuKi retreats under the bed, and – to pass the time – Sarah and I play a card game she invented.  I forget the name of it, but I think it was called “SARAH ALWAYS WINS NO MATTER WHAT”.  After an extended winning streak, I advised her to run away to Vegas and introduce this fabulous game, become rich, and keep her parents in a kennel in back of her mansion.  That’ll serve ’em right for asking me to babysit…

Soon, the ‘rents are back, and after they bundle up their bundle of joy, they leave, and I wait until they are in the driveway to do what I had been patiently waiting to do all afternoon.  I yell “Donnie!” and when he turns around, all smiles,  I say, “The next time you run into Big Dick, the Fixit Man, you tell him that I said hello, k?” and shut the door before he could answer.

I think I might like having kids around, you know?

You know I waited for two hours to do that, don’t you?  Of course you do.

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