Gimmeoxygen's Blog

December 11, 2009

Long Live the Queen


My sweet friend, Hannah, sent me this pic as she strolled around Seattle.  Her blog, Letters to Henry,  is one of the places I most like to be when I’m online here, and you’d do yourself a favor to look her up.

While I love the pic, I was a bit disappointed to discover that the 3$ Greyhounds mentioned on the sign didn’t involve actual greyhound squeezin’s.  I’m sure that the greyhounds are much relieved by that, but…

It’s been too cold here to do much of anything but sit in front of the fire and pretend I’m at a fabulous Swiss ski resort.  A few nights ago it was 35 below zero with the wind chill, and so cold that a bottle of water I’d sat on the table beside my bed had a thin layer of ice on it when I went to take a drink during the night.  I have the heat up, sure, but this is such a drafty place that I might as well be sleeping outside.  Both the dog and I are wearing thermals these days – how sexy an image is that? – and I have on so many layers of clothing that I feel like one of those overdressed children trying to play in a snowsuit.

I’ve caught up on a lot of work, but…I don’t like working this much.  In fact, on my list of Things I’d Rather Do, working falls below braiding the hair between Rosie O’Donnels’ cheesy toes.  It’s made me think about becoming a bum in some warmer climate.

I’d be a good bum.  I have a dramatic flair, plus – being on the small, slight side – I could engender more sympathy as I stagger towards my targets with my little paw out.  I’d follow them, too, if they didn’t gimme a dollar.  I’d press my little nose up against the glass of the windows of the restaurants they dine at; I’d stand outside their house, leaving urine stains on their sidewalk, with tears running down my face; I’d follow them to work and tell their co-workers that they promised to buy me a pot pie if I had sex with them…but they LIED; they didn’t gimme no pot pie!  At some point, my reputation would precede me, and on seeing me approach, people would simply fling money at my feet, and run away…fast.

I’d become the Queen in my torn, gold, evening gown and bent rhinestone tiara, and I would wave my snot-encrusted hands, smiling, at the crowds who came to beg for an audience with me, their beloved Queen.  (And I wouldn’t allow them one unless they brought me a pot pie, dammit!)  So…you all had better be nice to me because, eventually, you will want to say that you knew me when I was just a commoner, bitching about the cold…

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6 Comments »

  1. Great post as always 🙂

    35 below zero? Where are you, Siberia?! I’m in Pennsylvania and complaining about 15 degrees above zero this morning. Now I feel like a wuss.

    Anyhow, have a nice weekend 🙂

    Comment by strugglingwriter — December 11, 2009 @ 5:46 pm | Reply

    • It was with the windchill factor. The actual temp was, oh, I think 9 below. Whatever, it was f@#*ing COLD outside.

      I used to live in Pennsylvania, too. Different places – Hanover, New Oxford, Philadelphia, Easton. I think it can be almost colder there because the air is more damp, and it feels like it’s clinging to you.

      Comment by Ruby Dabling — December 11, 2009 @ 6:42 pm | Reply

  2. You’re that lazy too, TCBin’ but looking for the first opportunity to sit on the couch and stare at the wall for two hours? You want to become a bum and have thought out your career as one should you switch careers?Hey, you should hire me to be your personal assistant. I won’t be hired with a normal title or proper regulations in place, making it easier for the both of us if my title is “(Paid) Intern” whereby I make $5 an hour and you rent out a small room or large closet to me (I’m tall, I need more space than shorties) at $2 an hour, taken out of my wages, and I’ll work for you any day you want to get down to it and for as long as you request, doing anything in the world you ask, so long as it’s within reason (gigs outside will cost extra, or you must understand I will take my sweet ass time with them). I will transport myself to your location, but do request 3 ten minute breaks while on the clock, a lunch and snack (Fruit Roll-Up’s would probably be suffice for snack, with a decently sized sandwich and glass of water being lunch) provided during working hours, and for you to drive me to the shop when I need to pick up alcohol my daily, 5 bottle dose of cough medicine for myself. This is a real offer, and one already made to my aunt’s new boyfriend who is a nonfiction history writer (last books on Benny Franklin and the Wright Bros., I think). He turned me down. Don’t be an ass and do the same. Holding this “job” for a few months would help me get a much higher paying personal assistant job, which would make the lack of anything resembling a profit really fucking worth it to me.

    And yes, this is a serious offer for my services. I’m great with both computer and paper, and can do the most mind numbing tasks for hours on end. I love to work hard, am very good at doing what I’m told, and do not complain, ever. Think about it, for real.

    Comment by Joseph Five — December 11, 2009 @ 8:00 pm | Reply

    • PS: For the journalism major I’m working on an internship is required of me, and even if I switch over to regular, vanilla Communication Arts, I’ll need an internship to fulfill my requirements, so this would be huge. Yeah, I just wanted to make you feel like an even bigger jerk when you say, “LOL WAT NO WAY!”

      I can’t believe you’re going to refuse my amazing, vastly inexpensive, time and energy saving services, dude. I really want to be somewhere I can go snowboarding all of the time and increase the quality of my life in literally every sense possible, but you’re crushing all my hopes and dreams, a glass tree ornament being crushed under the heavy boot of a home invader on Christmas Eve, every part of me asleep in bed being raped and murdered in your senseless massacre. You could have been my own personal Santa placing the well deserved gifts under the tree, at your own great benefit, but you instead have turned the season more to the dark side, widening the hole that already runs through this world. You ever wonder why people who aren’t opening presents on Christmas morning are opening their wrists? It’s because of you, Ruby. It’s because of you!

      Comment by Joseph Five — December 11, 2009 @ 8:30 pm | Reply

      • I am sorry for being all grumpy when you haven’t even destroyed my future yet! I’m just being silly 😛 But I do await your swift reply so I can scream “Why me?” and thrash around melodramatically on the floor for an hour ASAP, as I have things to get working on as you’re not going prove that you’re a demigod with the magical ability to snap your fingers and make someone a king- a king, that will be your servant during business hours. YEP, NO FEEL COMPLETELY HOPELESS WITH MY LIFE YET 🙂

        Comment by Joseph Five — December 11, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

  3. Oh, I’m with the Pennsylvanian. I most definitely feel like a wuss!

    Glad you found a use for the pic! 😉

    Comment by Hannah Lee Jones — December 12, 2009 @ 5:39 am | Reply


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